My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
