We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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