Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
