Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
