Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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