the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
