I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish you could order shots online.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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