I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
