Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize