He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
