My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
