I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
