Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
