ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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