you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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