clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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