I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
