The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
