i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize