P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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