I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
