instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
