I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
