first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
