Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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