oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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