if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
