Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
