i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
