I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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