He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My ass is underappreciated
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
