Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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