I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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