My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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