when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
