If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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