First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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