If i come over, it means nothing
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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