The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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