i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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