Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
