so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
