So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
