The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
