Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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