I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize