I don't think brook has ever known best
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
