anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize