I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
