so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
