Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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