Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
