dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
