you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
