If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
